The year 2009

Yeah Pee Yeah...Everybody has rituals...I have rituals to break.After 7 years,this 31st I sit at home for which you mocked me and then refused profusely (your ritual to take your words back and say 'Maine kya kaha?') I think like anyone would...Think about it in the car,in the kitchen,in the coffee place you hang out with or the party you're heading to...In those rare moments,when deafening silences gaves away to screaming thoughts...I thought about the year that I bid farewell to.

Unlike my ex facebook friends,I don't have experiences of going to Paris or Tokyo or atleast Thailand...After finishing a gutsucking and happiness sucking executive learning programme which sucked my blood and kicked 'the social me' in the shins in the almost end of the year...and the libido killing job, there is frankly NO money to take such trips...my blog is gonna be a lil cheap...money wise.Mind wise.

Important thoughts of the year

-It's important to know people for who they are and not what you think of them...Coz there can be a huge divide between what you'd like them to be or what you see them as..See people for what they reall are.And DUMP them coz they are not half the person you'd thought.

-Life can snap while you're balancing a coffee cup in a hand...You lose your job when you have three loans to pay.Planned or unplanned...Life or nothing about is certain...You realise you don't know someone or the stranger turn out to be interesting.Lose a loved one or even your cellphone...So live your life...Coz you never know.

-Always find new things, new people, new music and new books...Or you'd be stuck in a rut.

Best youtube video/s-Step up 2 final dance ,New moon trailer

Best books read-Twilight,New Moon,Eclipse and Breaking Dawn

Best meal- Grilled fish somewhere in Goa

Best professional opportunity-Working with Sujay Bhattacharya

Happiest moment/s at work-writing scripts with my girl friends while scolding them to play bricks breaking better!

Also when I was told I'd be working on Mad Mad World

Best joke-An ad on the radio advertising a number with better jokes than this."Mere boss ne poocha...Tumhara naam?Maine kaha...Ashok.Boss-ZZor se bolo. Ashok-Jai Mata Di." Frankly that joke made me laugh so hard,my driver gave me the you-are-crazy look.

Best song/s-Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation
Full Moon by Black Moon
I belong to you by Muse
Meet me at the Equinox by Death cab for Cutie
Dooriyan by Pritam Chakraborty
Kaash by The Band

Best Composition-New Moon(The Meadow) by Alexandre Desplat
Bella's Lullaby by Cart Burtwell

Best Serial/s Gossip Girl (your one and only source to the scandolous lives of Manhattan)
Big Bang Season 3 (Our whole universe was in a hot dense state, Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. )

Best all time serial- Friends (I have an interview with Gucci, it might be written as GUKKY which could be confusing).
Sex and the City(When the Big love comes along,you're ready for it)

Best Discovery/ries- Fairness creams don't really make you fair. Cervical cancer is found in every seventh woman in India. Unhappiness, tension causes a tumour. Life is worth nothing if you live it the way you want to.

Best fashion hit/s-Tights to go with sweaters and skirts and boots and bags.

Best accessory/ies- Embellished/ribboned hairbands and brooches to add a lil extra something to your outfit.

Best moment 2009- I frankly don't remember but it happened!!

Message for 2010
Ramalingam Raju turned out to be a liar.Varun Gandhi tried to be a mass leader.BJP tried to get into power.Floods in one half of the world and Wildfires in the other.

Facebook changed the face of social networking and Twitter did something for those who stick to 140 characters.

Our bosses expected us to work more than ever without hikes, our lovers/partners expected us to "understand" and the so-called recession didn't hit retail stores. In such times, I think I won't find love, or a job I like or a Dior bag that I want to make a shrine for...my perfect watch or my perfect overcoat will never be mine when I want them to.

But hope lurks around through the shadows of doubt...and the black gives way to white.

You never know...when things might turn around.

I started a new ritual Pee. Don't say you never said anything.

Why are we addicted to Facebook?

Facebook… the magnum opus of Mark Zuckerberg, Dustin Mokovitz and Chris Hughes.

An idea or an idea of an idea, given birth to after the greatest birth of globalization and technology and invention.

FB came at a time when social networking was the latest phenomena and all the college girls were hooked to putting up their latest pictures and waiting for comments.

They say greatness lies in thinking differently.

Sometimes, it helps to improvise.

And so this concept, thanks to these gentlemen and their team, came up with the
X-factor, the zing, the extra edge…. the crispiness of a perfect spinach mushroom sandwich… or well, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

This is why the old Colonel still lives at each market near us. He knew how to sell his burger.

And Mark does too.

So what does Facebook have that others don’t?

1. Personalized quizzes that you only thought existed in the Cosmopolitan magazine.
2. Bumper Stickers showing what you think are cool.
3. Questions on the movies you saw when you had braces and laugh to till this day.
4. And a whole lot of people you thought you’d never see in life again.

This is where the magic lies.

And despite established players, Facebook has worked its way up.

It has.

And so have people who are using it.

They are not your chummies from any era of your life, or your lovers or your relatives but blood brothers of the mythical character of Narcissist.

There are always these set of people with the most common names like Namrata, Sandhya , Roshni ,Akshay, Aditya, the Marks and Jacobs and Johns of the West,

A prototype of what they bring to you, or to your Facebook page.

These include:

1. A guy who sat besides you in your first school

2. A girl in your college to whom you never spoke but FB says you have 12 common friends

3. Someone you met at a party and are trying to be a wee bit friendly or just someone you pass at work.

They not only are on FB page but they seem to be doing much more than you do.

And apparently, they went to France or to a theme park for all I care. And they have enjoyed themselves so much on that particular bumpy ride in a Bombay Metro or on a camel in Egypt that they refuse to go to bed without uploading them on the day they land.

And of course, Mark wants us to socialize so all that is said by these people you’re not really in touch with pops up on your screen telling you what each friend had to say about the location or the expression or the clothes or the…

I bet you, most of them don’t even know that according to a Facebook clause, pictures that are put up on FB belong to the developers who can use it for any purpose. Just some free advertising. There is also a FB group which has close to a few thousand people who are protesting through the web against this violation of privacy.

And while I am cursing the amount of work flung on my petite yet strong shoulders, somebody with one of those name went to the nearest restaurant or a coffee place and has littered all over my page.

Flashback.

Second month at my first job… And an intern from London School of Economics (who had nothing better to do that summer) asked me if I am on Facebook.

I didn’t want to look un cool, but then I was feeling un cool the entire time. You see, the whole environment of joining work when all the people around are actually shocked that you can actually work, is also the time you realize your wardrobe is not office friendly.

Well after staying in a girls’ college where wearing tank tops were looked at as competition minus the “who-does-she-think-is” factor, I had learnt my lessons while joining the god forsaken Media Institute. Even after a year of trying to build my attire as someone “professional with pigtails”, I usually chickened out of wearing sleeveless tops and even three fourth trousers.

So I decided to be safe. And I settled with plain t shirts, (mind you plain) with jeans.
We all did. First impressions last a long time. At that time, I also believed that hard work paid off.

So when this girl child wearing Jimmy Choo shoes and carrying a Gucci handbag, asked me if I was on Facebook….I felt un cool.

I snapped- No, I don’t. And I am working.

She didn’t seem to have noticed it. But that’s a different story.

So why did I succumb to this?
Because all my friends joined and told me it was cool?
Because it helped you get in touch with some ‘lost’ acquaintances?

Well, a bit of both.

And with greater amount of VISUAL SPAM comes greater PHEWS

So why am I here?

And another pop- up says ‘Pragati Siddhanti just made an all new high score in Bricks Breaking’.

Damn you, Mark.

Special Thanks to the constant addiction of Facebook and the addicts around me who spy, gossips, and well, keep in touch.

My Ku

When I my close my eyes and imagine him,all I see is his warm smile that somehow manages to reach his eyes even after wearing 10 inch thick rimmed glasses.

The boy I detested and the boy I love...The journey after which he became what he is to me,my Ku.

As I write this,I trying to place the moment where I knew it that I am getting really close to him...I fail to recollect.

But what I do remember is the time I thought he was a good human being.It was a time when I did an automobile show...and my producer very ungraciously signed me up for a shoot at 4 o clock in the morning.It was Ku who accompanied me.And I thanked him twenty three times till he left.


The next day was his birthday.He told me he's having a really big party.He didn't invite me.

I remember being on-location for one more horrid task for the same sick producer when I lost my way in Pragati Maidan,and had to walk atleast 4 kilometers till I found the gates of freedom.
He was on the phone with me throughout,when I spoke deliriously,sweating under four layers in the month of January...and cribbed about grotesque men staring at me while setting up for Auto Expo 2008.

When I couldn't no breathe,I went so crazy that I came up with a theory about his love life,the very famous KGM formula,that he'd end up with one of the three people in this formulae I created and developed.

I love the way he laughs when I mention it to him till this very day.

As we got closer and closer,I came to know what a great person he is...and how he goes out of the way to do anything for his friends...from picking up clothes to shopping to doing ur office work or being with you when you cry about boys,or sometimes girls...

He's the boy who makes me eat,who takes me shopping,who more importantly shops for me,the boy who goes to a lingerie store and blushes when I ask him if I should pick up a sexy chaddi to entice my boyfriend...

He's the boy who gets disgusted,point blank disgusted when I refer to his "private parts" in Hindi, it is he who twists my hand if I smoke and slaps me when I get reallyyyyy high...who cares how much my boyfriend earns to support me(if he ever has to i.e.)

He is the guy who manages to visit me everytime I fall sick....He is my Ku.

I couldn't possibly tell you how much you annoy me

I couldn't possibly tell you how much I hate you.

I couldn't possibly tell you how much I miss working with you.Okay,I never worked with you so that's a lie.

I couldn't possibly tell you how I detest you being so self righteous.

I couldn't possibly tell you how much it hurts when you are....not nice.

I couldn't possibly tell you how much I love you.

I couldn't possibly tell you how much I will miss you when you go away.

Are you a whore or a housewife?

What comes to your mind when I say the word whore?


A chameli standing in bylane on a rainy night in Mumbai,a victim of circumstances feeding her children at the end of a night,a friendly phrase used in a conversation by a giant to the three princesses surrounding him.

Scratch that.

Think of a guy anywhere between early twenties and early thirties.Think of how many women he has been with.Those carrying their "manhood" up their pants will be formulating an answer for the above question.I know my answer,so I had this thought...

"Every guy is a whore or a housewife"


I have recently started working on a new course telling him how to identify the problem,analysing the sub-factors to the problem and finally using the alternatives which suit me best.

While I might not have used any of these methods in real life yet,it also said to follow the current trends,to take care of logistics,keep in the mind the environmental and internal factors in a situation that needs to be managed.


To make my point,herein I present a few case studies.I hope the guys I know love,hate and irritate will not get offended.After all,blogging is an art.

Case Study number 1.

My friend Huber(real name is hidden yet visible)

My chaddi buddy who never forgets to checks out a womans bosom and comment loudly enough on it...Loud enough that the girl in question is able to hear his comments,is a perfect stereotype.

Been in two serious relationships for long periods of time.Touch the wrong button and he aint gonna trust gonna again.

While he flirts with everything that possesses a punani,he looks for the right one.

A housewife,in the disguise of a whore,who'd prefer to come home,no,get drunk with someone four nights a week than randoming away.


Case number 2.

A recent friend,lets call him Raag(real name hidden yet visible) is thirty something years old.Sex and the City has taught me how to never judge or care for someone who hasnt gotten married.It has also taught me that if ur single and you're in your thirties,you've been around the block,as much as I'd think that maybe sex might actually get boring.

While entering the unknown territories of marriagehood is as confusing and mindf****** as the Matrix,he recently decided to enter the arena.

Jenny wants to become a plain Jain.


Case number 3.

Lets call him jhakas(real name hidden yet visible).Needless to say,he's anything but jhakaas.I have known him from the past four years or more...and I have know him from close quarters.

While he rants about how noone knows him or he's always been misunderstood,his record with girl is as stereotypical as chocolote ice cream being the new vanilla.

One dreadful relationship and off goes the belief in love.Girl are bitches.I agree.

Now he brags about the number of women he's done...Obviously,he makes it clear to them that he aint looking for nothing serious.

Right.

Like all girls want their hair to be messed up by vermillion.

Case number 4

Lets call him an A.It stands for an asshole.While my disgust and anger reaches new level everytime I think of him, he's the the most unique case ever.

The only relationship he has ever had was at the age of 25.It lasted a year long and managed to keep that girl the happiest times of her life.

Coz of his reasons,responsibilties whatever you may call it, it didnt work out.

He remains to be a single housewife.


You see,life is simpler.

Case number 5.

His name is Ish(real name hidden yet visible)

He fell in love.He fell outta it.He did quite a lotta girls.Now this is what we love,
the right girl making an honest guy outta the bad ass.

He hopes to marry her soon.

Case number 6

Never mind

Case number 7

We have all had one in our classroom,in college and now in our office.The clown.
Who makes you laugh,who opens your bag,who peeps into your jeans and who makes fun of your body hair when your late for your waxing appointment.

He makes nice with all of the girls who laugh at his jokes,but he always he one girl to go to the movies with,the one he will someday,take home.

Case number 8.

His name is Rajiv.He's been in two relationships.His second one is with me.
I'd like to think of him as a creature of habit.I'd like to think I am too.

While he says I ll be his only girlfriend ever,we know which cateogary he want to falls in.

*************************************************************************************


So what is the point of all these interesting men being spoken of on an insignificant blog?Coz if you're a man...you're a whore.Or a housewife.

Cool eh?

Danke.

Happy F'Day My Friend!

Phase – 1 (2 months)

In his first year of college he was introduced to the wonders of Internet. Straight forward, easy & limitless source of knowledge. The entire world was in his palms now & he enjoyed the power at his disposal. “Chatting” was the newest concept to hit the society & he wanted to be the first amongst all to explore all about it. Still within the initial months of “surfing” the internet – he had all but mastered the art of making new friends.

It was raining & all the plans for the fun evening were canceled. Out of complete boredom he started browsing through different websites. Usually a random “Hi” or “Hey” would get a tardy but polite reply but this was a different day – NOTHING was the way it should be.

“Hey”
“What??? What do u want????????”
“Relax …why you getting so hyper??”
“I’m chilled out dude. Wats happening with u?????”
“Nm”
“Wat does that mean????????????”
“Nothing much”
“Ohhhhh ………How boring!!!!!!!!”
“Yea! What’s up?”
“Ceiling”
“How dumb”
“u dumb .. idiot … stupid … donkey … monkey”

The “chat” went on for hours & they left no stone unturned to put the other person down. In the end they added each other as “friends” before sayin the respective “Fuck Off’s”.

He was a science student with a 7 am– 6 pm schedule packed with lectures & practical’s. She was in commerce field & was only concerned about bunking two hours in the morning before continuing with the daily routine of “chilling”. For him studies were priority; she rated shopping & makeup at the top of her list. He was single; she was jumping from one relation to another with utmost ease. He was a geek; she was a doll!

Only one thing was common – both had unusual names. Gappu & Pappu!!!
(Read Meow & Dowg … Moti & Asshole … Sexy & Dude)

Days later they found each other online again – this time late at night. It was as if they had never stopped talking – started where they left & continued to insult each other beyond any control. Seconds became minutes, minutes turned into hours as they continued their weird talks. It was time for him to attend his lectures & her to think of a new reason for bunking. They said goodbye – again with “fuck off’s”.

Who kehte hai na – jo hota hai acchey ke liye hota hai – galat kehte hai!

Phase – 2 (13 months)

Nothing much changed neither in them nor between them. He stayed a good ‘ol nerd & she the prom queen; never had any conversation that was not ended with one of them getting pissed & yelling the choicest of abuses. The only think that was strikingly different was the bond they shared - strange yet important!

Egoistic people never confess that they need help or advice. Gappu nd Pappu were no exception - continued to pretend that the other was a complete waste & absolutely not capable of any good BUT at the same time they shared all the happenings with each other “online”.

Mobile phone was now the newest craze & it had complete diverse meaning for the two. For him it only a gadget which he wanted to explore & she was busy flaunting it as the newest accessory. Communication device for him & Status symbol for her. Late night chats were now replaced with phone calls at odd hours or random text messages which meant absolutely NOTHING!!

Teenagers normally start having weird thoughts at this particular stage (I rather not elaborate here) but they never matured to that level; in effect it appeared that they were growing younger with each passing day.

She was in a serious relation (read more than 2 months) & he was still chasing the same girl he fell for on the first day of college (filmy – I know). She was his love guru cum agony aunt. He listened very patiently, took notes, practiced in front of mirror, worked on new lines – she sat back & laughed at his ignorance; He forgot the basic rule of their friendship – they were NOT friends!

Final exams were coming up. They worked on their respective schedule
His: Early mornings – studies – breakfast – books - lunch – thinking bout his girl friend (oh yea he did manage to ask his dream girl out & was steady with her) - talking to Meow – Dinner – fighting with Moti – sweet nothings with his girlfriend – sleep.

Her: Beauty sleep – lunch – shopping – Gossiping and bitching bout her current/ex boyfriend (yea it was a weekly affair now) – talking to Dowg – Gym – Pretending to study – Dinner (if her diet permitted) – abusing Pappu – Party/night out with friends – finding new boy-toy.

Even though they valued the non existing friendship; things were changing. Nothing in particular was keeping them away yet the talking hours seemed to reduce with each passing day. Some or the other important work kept them occupied & the regular non sense wasn’t missed as much. One fine day it was over. Everything ended exactly the way it started - Overnight!

Who kehte hai na – jo hota hai acchey ke liye hota hai – galat kehte hai!
Phase 3 (5 years)

College was over & it was time to face the real world. The tough competition & lack of opportunities brought the best out in him. All the wrong in the past were pretty clear now; it didn’t falter him – just made him stronger. Everything that was suggested or appealed to him was tried. Knowledge gained during the IT lectures were the thing of the past. Phone calls at the Call Centre soon gave way to the desk work in the Banking field; which in turn was taken over by the passion for securing lives for the British people ie. Insurance.

Chauhan Jr. excelled in everything that he did & in doing so gained the confidence of the opposite sex. Pappu “The Geek” was now Dowg “The Stud boy” - Wild parties & wilder partners were the driving force in his life. People admired his “clean” life – no lying, no cheating and no stealing!

Bratboy faced two major problems around the age of 23; First the monotonous life & Second lack of true love. One was in his hand to control and the other was purely on his luck. After a lot of thought & consultation it was agreed by all that he was not cut out for a 9 to 5 routine. 666 is the devils number but he chose it to start his first company …6th June 2006! He was happy with his independent life. Everyone around him was happy – he made sure of it. Personal & professional life was on all time high (read gorgeous life partner & a successful business) all thanks to his fathers advice of “Keeping life simple”.

~~~
Gappu finished her college with flying colors (Purely cuz of her charm!) & pursued her education in the desired field – Fashion! JD institute of fashion, GNIIT, NIFT, teaching in playschool etc were result of her jumbling mind. Her colorful life continued & all the “exciting” things were practiced to perfection. A street smart woman who knew her limits & yet she let everyone believe that she was a dumb bimbo (quite an art I would say).

Her parents decided to get her out of the “misery” of ever changing relationship status. Marriage happened at a fairly young age of 21 but a responsible & charming husband put all her nervousness at ease. As luck would have her Mr. Perfect was a bird of the same feather - Similar interests made sure nothing much changed in her life except the permanent “In a relationship” tag on all the websites.

April 2005 marked an important period - her first boutique! Almost a year of hard word went up in smoke – literally. Her store caught fire on the day of opening. It shattered her confidence & she never walked on that path again. She was happy with her own fancy world. Everything around her was rosy – she kept it that way. Downfalls in life were dealt with her oldest rule “Shop till you drop”.

~~~
One fine Friday morning all the plans for a weekend getaway were marred by heavy rains. Out of complete boredom & hint of curiosity he went on the overly hyped website – Orkut (A networking site which was made to keep in touch with friends – existing, new or long lost). After almost 5 years “Gappu Sardar” popped in his head. The search listed few options – none reminded him of Gappu. He took a chance & messaged the one who looked reasonably close to the princess he once knew.

“Is it you madamji”
“yesss doggie its meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”


Who kehte hai na – jo hota hai acchey ke liye hota hai – galat kehte hai!

Phase 4 (Never ending)

Back to square one! Or is there anything like stage negative 5? They were worse then before – worse then the 5 year old kids fighting over some stupid toy. The vocabulary for abuses had increased many folds, new tricks learned; creative insults & practical jokes were the order of the day.

A sane married woman would think twice before doing things that Gappu cooked up in her head; Pappu wasn’t far behind – he went to lengths to put his “friend” down nd out (at times Literally). Never ending and complete nonsensical text messages were the usual stress buster. Millions of inside jokes which no one understood; Crappy one liners which only they laughed at; Dumb challenges; Dumber compliments; Shrewd insults; False promises; No misunderstandings!!! They aint friends!!!!

“I have read your blogs”
“So?”
“Not bad asshole!”
“Come to the point Moti”
“Why haven’t you written anything bout us?”
“I don’t have time for such fuck all things”
“Fuck you”
“You wish”
“Get outta my face”
“What makes you think I wanna see your face”
“Who asked to come to my happy badday party?”
“You want me to leave?”
“Do wateva you want man”
“Fine”
“Fine”

~~~
Another rainy afternoon & absolutely nothing to do!

Maybe it’s your lucky day moti, I couldn’t think of a better gift on this Friendship’s Day – here’s an attempt to let everyone know the real story behind our “friendship” (read I don’t wanna waste money on you).

I know that you wouldn’t let go of me till you beat me once & unfortunately that will never happen. So basically I am stuck with you for life - not that I want it that way but then again any other form of entertainment can prove expensive in the longer run. I honestly pity Sachin for tolerating you 24 – 7! May god give him more strength & everything that he deserves (read extra marital affair). Let me take this opportunity to thank you for all the joyous moment in my life – seeing your sulking face & watching you suffer in the agony of defeat.

Thank you!

Who kehte hai na – jo hota hai acchey ke liye hota hai – sahi kehte hai! :)

~~~~Vish
Your Bhast Friend!

Heres wishing everyone a fantastic friendship's day, hope you find a genuine unconditional friendship like Gappu & Pappu - who are happy being two brattish kids fighting over a stupid toy!

Cheers!

An attempt to write on a lovehead part 1

The people whom I speak of are a part of a story that continues till this very moment...this is just an excerpt,one of the many which will be based on them.Let the legacy begin...
***
The first time she met him was after chatting and countless phone conversations without taking consent of using her sister's cellphone,(which was really cool then,since a call cost 7 bucks per minute) on school nights.


These conversations bore witness to their mild flirting and the fact that,well, she really liked talking to him.


After a serious relationship for each of them,shaking them to the core,somehow...after 6 years of long yet erratic conversations...the last few months have given her the most romantic moments of her life.

Here goes some of her favourite moments...

*The first time they had a Monday morning together.It was almost as if nothing out of the two of them existed.And the time they finally saw the clock on the table,it was close to 3 p.m.

"Oh shit" he said..."do you wanna get lunch?"
And she replied..."it really doesnt look like you're interested in eating lunch out of all the things."

He teases her about that till this day.

*It was only considered natural,hell stereotypical and old fashioned...something she was a staunch believer in...let the guy woo you as those days are saved in your hard disk as the bestest moments ever.

He claimed to having "run after" her for two months. Needless to say,we need to add a sarcastic yet imaginary "Wow,thanks!!" as her reply.

So abiding the laws set by nature or man,he finally said it.
He asked her out.Or atleast he tried...at a dinner table,on the bed,in the car and in the auto.And her reply was the same..."did you just ask me out?"

It is safe,nay,neccessary to say that she drove him crazy.But the favourite moment came of this story came when he didnt expect it.

She was finally ready.And so,over a cup of cappuchino in a cafe,she asked him out.

It doesn't taste the same everytime he's not around.

*It had only been a couple of months since she had started earning.The world was hers,and she was out there to conquer it...Well,atleast by shopping.While her motif was to buy a whole new winter collection,he stood patiently by her side while she went to shop by shop in a South Delhi market on a very cold evening.

She loved him for being patient.She loved it even more when he paid for her shopping.

She thought he was a gift from god when he asked her to take him to her favourite silver jewellery shop.

And then he did the most amazing thing ever.

After buying her the most favourite ring(s) of all times,he promised to live in the hope of spending the rest of their lives together.

It was one of the most favourite evenings of her life,till date.

The couple that we refer to,still have a lot to be written about.